Ron Leming AKA Bone or Bonestructure AKA Darkchylde Coven
I'm a rather unusual man. Weird too. I was an abused child, and turned into an abused adult for most of my life. From as far back as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was an artist and writer. Which is exactly what I am. I always imagined myself with long white hair and a long white beard, toiling in a dark paneled library. Walt Whitman was my role model as per physical appearance. But along the way I was involved in rock and roll, adult entertainment, outlaw biking, and many other things, both dark and light. Like most writers and artists, I lived life to the fullest, grasping as many experiences as I could possibly have. Along the way was also love, magic, hurt, abuse, homelessness and nearly anything you can imagine happening to a human being. If you live for experience, eating life like a beggar at a banquet, you see not only the best of life, but its worst as well.
I'm a man who has lived a tragic life. I've lived, for the most part, for love, which is truly the only thing that really matters in this world. I have been, and always will be, in love with my ex wife, Annette S. Crouch. (I mention her name here, only so that if she ever sees this, I'll have been able to tell her how I feel one last time). We've been together several times, but she, unfortunately, is quite crazy, and can never seem to stay in one place, or with one person very long. She's my best friend, my advisor, my soulmate. You know how the story goes. I'll probably write a long book about it someday, when it doesn't hurt as much. I miss her terribly, and make no secret of it. I will probably never see her again, and that shreds my heart and soul every day. When I remember my life, she's always there, even in memories before we met, and after she left. She lives in my dreams and in my devotion. Her presence is always with me. Even if I never talk to her, or hold her again, I will always be the man she made me, for good and bad. Despite her odd problems, she taught me more about love and life than anyone else. When one loves unconditionally, what are you going to do? I've tried to go on with my life, through great difficulty, and tried to find love elsewhere, but with no success. It seems to elude me, though it's the only thing I truly want in life. To have someone look at me with love I could see in their eyes, and say, "I'm proud of you", would be the highest experience I could ever want.
I've spent the last several years looking for an old love as well, a girl named Sandy Funk that I didn't realize I loved until she was gone. I was only 16, what did I know. I hope I can find her someday, if only to know what she's doing and how she is. I think of her every day and always have. It's funny how, in life, there are certain people who never leave your heart and soul and thoughts.
At the moment, I'm alone, suffering from Chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, light epilepsy, some brain damage, post traumatic stress disorder and major chronic depression. I'm living on zero income, desperately trying to find work on line before I die or commit suicide, waiting for Social Security to recognize my existence. I'm unable, physically, to work outside of the house, as I have to rest or sleep frequently throughout the day. If it weren't for the love and generosity of my friends, I would have been dead long ago. They have succored and saved me.
I'm mostly just a big ole teddy bear. A bit worn and scruffy, with a few seams coming loose. In appearance, I look like an old biker/hippy/mountain man kinda guy. My art is the only way I have of expressing the beauty of my soul which no one ever seems to notice. Everything I do, I do for love. And it's the one thing in life which I've never truly had. I've had many women, but they either wanted someone to abuse, or someone to take care of them, or just wanted something from me. But as for love, it hasn't come to me yet from anyone, though, as I mentioned, I do have a soulmate. And so I keep searching, hoping, dreaming that someone I find attractive can truly want me for just me. All the time the beauty in my soul is exposed in the dance of protons and electrons on the computer screen and I can only dream of what life would be like were I not sick and alone and truly loved.
Bone
Amarillo, TX
Being disabled is a funny thing. I was an aide to the handicapped for many years, and thought I knew and understood a little something about it. But until it happens to you, you can't understand it. It's not something that can be perceived from the outside. I am, by turns, bitter, angry, depressed, suicidal and totally uncaring. Stress and frustration have become a normal state of existence. You think you've accepted it and then you hit a wall, a moment when you realize, beyond dispute, that you aren't going to get better, that this is just the way your life is.
I never knew I had any kind of work ethic until now. I'm an old hippy. Work and I never seemed to be on good terms with one another. But now, I get frustrated and angry if I can't get out of bed and sit at the computer and do something productive, whether that be writing, art or midi music. I've faced the fact that I'm unable to work outside the house, at a normal job. But I know that I'm able to work on graphics. Thus far I've found no one with the foresight and wisdom to employ me to do graphics, and that frustrates me and makes me angry. I guess it's true what they say, that you never realize what you have until it's gone. While I may not have enjoyed work during my life, it took losing it to realize that at least I had always had that choice. And I always had worked hard, when I was working at something I loved like art or writing. There were many many days in my life when I would work on a project and would labor 12 or 15 hours straight at it. But when you're doing something you love, it isn't work, it's a joy
On Art and Creation
For me, art, writing, building furniture, making teddy bears, all things of that nature are creation. They all use the same process. They're all ways of expressing love and beauty, of taking what's inside us and making it external, sharing it. I believe that an artist should be a mirror, showing people not only the wonder and beauty of their own world, the things that we see every day but don't notice, but the ugliness and problems of the world as well. Even more, we should, in some way, try to show that world in a new way, to inspire awe and wonder, and to find the solutions to those problems. For we, as artsists and writers, are never quite a part of that world we portray. We always stand slightly outside it, observers, watching the process. That is, unfortunately, often a very lonely and painfull place to be, so we spend our lives creating like screams, expressing emotions there are no words for, hoping someone will see our souls in the art and love us, want us. It's a sad fact of life that the best artists are most often very lonely, very unhappy, very screwed up people.
Programs Used
I use several programs to do my work. I use Bryce 3D, Carrara, 3D Studio Max, Photoshop 5, Paint Shop Pro 6, Painter 3D, Poser, and Illustrator primarily. Other subsidiary programs used are Coffee Cup HTML editor 8, Midisoft Midi editor and Cakewalk Pro Audio 9 Recording Stu
